Nocturnal Emission Write-up – Please Critique

Posted on 09. May, 2006 by Brandon in Expat Experiences, Indonesia, Jakarta, Rantings and Ramblings

The German magazine (Max) that requested a photo of mine (“Nocturnal Emission”) last week has asked for a short write-up to represent the image. Please keep in mind I wrote this in only a few minutes and it’s pretty much a first draft effort. I’m posting it here for some constructive feedback. I know it’s a bit cheezy, so go easy on me! ;)

Having lived in Jakarta, Indonesia for the past four years, I have captured many aspects of life in this exotic land. However, I’ve never attempted to show the phenomenal growth of the mega-structures that encompass Jakarta like a fortified defence.

Trudging up to the construction site, I began to get a sense of the severe lack of rules enforced in this country. No one stopped me, no one questioned me, and furthermore some workers even guided me to the industrial elevator. Gazing up at the raw concrete and steel monstrosity, I suddenly detected an absence of nets or safety equipment. My heart thumped through my chest at the thought of scaling this giant.

Moments later a worker asked me if I’d like to ride to the top. Climbing into the elevator, I knew immediately I was making a potentially fatal decision; the floor of the cage was rusted through so badly that I could view the ground disappear beneath our feet. With every whir and clank, we rose to terrifying heights. I stepped off at the 18th floor of the naked beast, and immediately noticed an army of workers pounding away under the open sky. The steel re-bar created a natural frame catching the floodlights like tentacles of industry grasping for the future.

As I wandered around the construction site, I realized that progress never sleeps. That greed is never satiated, and that man will incessantly strive to discharge nocturnal emissions into the night sky so long as lust for power prevails.

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  • While I liked the mini-essay, the first paragraph doesn't really flow with it. "However, I’ve never attempted to show the phenomenal growth of the mega-structures that encompass Jakarta like a fortified defence," implies that you still didn't try with the photo, that perhaps it was an accident.

    You could get away without the first paragraph entirely, and the rest of the essay does a great job of transporting the reader/viewer to how dangerous it really was. You could, however, replace the paragraph with one explaining what drew you to the construction site that day, but it's not strictly necessary.

    (Just my views as an English major. Can you tell I've written too many papers in the last month?)

    Congradulations on getting your work noticed. :)
  • I love it just the way it is. Your description of going up in the elevator is pretty gripping, and I really like your final paragraph. Wish I could offer something more critical if that would help you out, but I have to say that I like it as is.
  • Brandon
    I agree with your comment, Lisa. It doesn't flow when I include that paragraph. They had asked to have details about the location, etc so I was trying to fit it in somewhere, but ultimately I don't think it works. I'm thinking that I'll simply remove that first part.

    An English major? Pardon me, but isn't "Congradulations" - spelled congratulations? Not trying picking on you; just being a smartass. ;)
  • n@n
    I agree with your caption 'Advancement never sleep' ..?? but I think you should leave out the 'lack of security at construction site' story. That is a separate issue. I agree with Lisa to include what drew you to the construction site. My opinion??...as if you ask for one...
    I see a group of hard laborers who are very committed, to bring back the much needed
    dough to feed the family; while a fraction of the city dwellers below were dancing in clubs or drinking the night away.

    I think you should explain your position while taking the photo. Its very interesting how you capture the picture with steel poles sticking/poking out on top.

    Good work, Germany now. What's next?
  • Brandon
    N@N - The reason I mentioned the lack of security is because a number of people have asked me (offline as well as on) how I managed to get up there. In the U.S. there would be absolutely no way I'd be allowed on site, mostly out of their fear of lawsuits if an accident occurred.

    It wasn't meant as a jab against Indonesia, but rather an observation on different security standards.

    I agree with you in regards to the hard working men. I hope you understood that:

    "That greed is never satiated, and that man will incessantly strive to discharge nocturnal emissions into the night sky so long as lust for power prevails." - doesn't speak about the men who are working on the buildings, but rather for those who finance and command such projects and their abuse of labor in this country. (and surely most other developing nations)

    Thanks for your input.

    What's next?

    Continuation of getting published, in addition to possible exhibitions of some sort, and selling prints at an event next weekend.

    I'm hoping this all leads to something bigger, but I don't wanna jinx myself quite yet. ;)
  • Hey... spelling isn't processed on the same side of the brain! I've sucked at spelling for as long as I can remember. It's right up there with math. Rote memorization was never my strong point, so long words and math formulas are right out the window for me. I thought it looked wrong, but didn't have time to look it up.

    I live for spell check!
  • ciska
    very nice writing, Brandon. a stunning picture as well. i'm very happy for you. congrats!
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